May 16 2011

Alaska School Flip Flops On Song Ban

Queen Bohemian Rhapsody

From our pal Jeanne Sager at CafeMom, we have some Wasila, Alaska wackiness that doesn’t involve anyone named Palin or Johnston.

Jeanne writes: Read more »

Jan 21 2011

Son Accused Of Kidnapping Father With Machete

Next time you think your kids don’t give you enough respect, consider this tale of parental woe.

Here’s the opening paragraph of a story from the Alabama Press-Register:

DAPHNE, Alabama — Daphne police have arrested a Fairhope man on five charges including kidnapping and robbery after he allegedly used a machete to force his adoptive father to drive him to a local bank to withdraw money from his father’s bank account.

But wait. It gets better/worse. According to the extremely well-told story on, the dad kicked his allegedly wack-a-doodle son out of the car, locked the doors, which led to the kid (who is 19, so not really a kid) breaking one of the car windows. So the dad gets out of the car and his son chases him “around the bank parking lot with the machete”.

Here’s a great sentence: “Employees inside the bank noticed what was happening and called the police.” Well I would hope they noticed what was happening! Guy running around with a machete? One would imagine that doesn’t happen every day.

The son has a cross carved in his head, and the police spokesperson told the Register that “We cannot comment on the suspect’s mental health, or provide the reason he is being held without bond.” That’s OK. I think we can figure out that he’s not 100% compos mentis, if you know what I’m saying.

All kidding aside, it’s a terrible story, though a very well-written one; read the full account by Russ Henderson at Hopefully everyone will end up all right, or as all right as they can given the circumstances. I mean, wow. And I thought Ron Reagan Jr. telling people his dad had Alzheimer’s while President was kinda mean. At least there were no weapons involved.

Fairhope man accused of using machete to kidnap father |

Dec 23 2010

Man Kills Shark With His Butt [Strange But True]

Here’s one to make the kids chuckle.

The New York Post is known for their great headlines, but they missed the boat on this one.

A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt — by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk.

Aside: Accidentally? Is this something one could manage to do on purpose?

Dragan Stevic was soused to the gills while partying at the Red Sea resort Sharm El Sheikh when he inadvertently felled the beast that had been terrorizing tourists for weeks.
Stevic cannonballed into the water from a high-diving board, according to a Macedonian news agency.
Instead of making a splash, he came down right on the shark’s head, killing the toothed terror instantly.

How is this not called Man Kills Shark With His Butt?


Apr 28 2010

Dad Says Son Is Not A Terrorist, Just A Little Dopey [I f—ed up]

If there’s one thing a father longs for, it’s the ability to tell a reporter that his son is not a terrorist.

A Delta flight from Paris was diverted to Bangor, Maine, according to ABC News, when a passenger named Derek Stansberry “created a disturbance”. Derek is from Apollo, Florida. I don’t know why, but that amuses me. Derek is in FBI custody, according to ABC.

So whom do you call when a 26-year-old does something incredibly stupid, like taking pills before boarding a plane, then passing a note to a flight attendant that says “Forgive me, I f—ed up, I’m sorry,” followed by telling federal air marshals that you have a bomb? Duh. You call his dad.

Stansberry’s father, Richard, told ABC News his son is a former Air Force reservist. The elder Stansberry said he was notified late Tuesday by authorities that his son was involved in the incident.
“He’s not a terrorist,” said the elder Stansberry of his son. “I just found out and I am in total shock,” he said.

According to ABC, the FBI says that Derek Stansberry did not have any explosives on him. They also said Stansberry had lied about having a fake passport.

Video report from ABC News:

via Delta Flight 273: No Bomb Found on Diverted Delta Flight After FBI Investigation – ABC News

Apr 15 2010

John Tesh Dated Oprah Until He Realized She Was Black?


Have you heard this one — that John Tesh dated Oprah until he realized she was black?

Apparently that’s what Kitty Kelly’s new unauthorized biography of Miss Winfrey claims. It’s the wording that caught my eye:

[The book] goes on to say Tesh abruptly ended the relationship one night when he noticed their contrasting skin colors and couldn’t handle being in an interracial relationship.

I always thought Tesh was a little weird, but if this is true, he wins the Weirdest Dude Ever award. He did, apparently, confirm that they used to date, but hasn’t commented on the rest of the story, except to say that he and O are still friends. I suppose that makes it less likely that he one day turned to Winfrey and said:

“Oh my gosh! I just realized something… you’re not white! We can’t date anymore. Dang! Too bad, I was starting to really like you, Opera…” “Um, John, it’s Oprah. Not Opera.”
“That’s right. I’m sorry Opie.”
“Goodbye John.”

via Tesh confirms book report, says he dated Oprah – The Denver Post

Image via Intelligence for Your Life: Powerful Lessons for Personal Growth at His next book, How To Identify People By Skin Color, is due out in the Fall.

Mar 21 2010

Father and Son Charged With Robbing Pharmacy

Andy Griffith, The Robbery (they didn't do it)

A father and son have been charged with robbing a pharmacy in Toms River, New Jersey, according to the Asbury Park Press.

The family that steals together, stays together.

Maybe they got tired of waiting for the health care reform bill to pass?

(Image from, from the Andy Griffith Show, an episode called The Robbery. Andy and Opie were not, as far as we know, involved in this crime.)

Father, son charged with pharmacy burglary in Toms River | | Asbury Park Press.

Feb 25 2010

Reading Texts From Teenage Stars [Tongue-Clucking Pundit]

Miley-Cyrus-Party In The USA

I hate to become one of the tongue-clucking pundits that I so often mock. But this is kind of gross.

Apparently Montana Tucker is a teenage singer/actress/whatever and was involved in some sort of love triangle with Adam Sevani and Miley Cyrus.

The only one of these three young people I have heard of is Miley Ray Cyrus Hannah Montana Stewart Lipschutz. She’s, like, a really big star. The other two, who knows.

Anyway, the point is that supposedly these text messages were read on The Carson Daly Show. (And no, I’m not taking issue with the fact that Carson Daly has a TV show. He’s entitled to make a living even if no one watches him do it.)

Text messages from 15 and 16 year olds. Stuff like this:

Fwd: Im going to watch a show right now. but I wana be seeing u

Fwd: I don’t pay attention to that stuff. I like you, is that obvious enough?

Fwd: Email me those pics when u get homeFwd: Goodnight my orange flavored pudding cake


This is gross. Why is anyone interested? Why isn’t this illegal? Seriously, there is no news value to knowing that Montana Tucker might be in love with Adam Sevani as opposed to Miley Ray Cyrus Hannah Montana Stewart Lipschutz, or the other way around, or whatever the hell is going on there. Seriously, I don’t want to know. And who does want to know? I guess other teenagers.

How is this different from the 50’s when people wondered whether or not Fabian was swapping spit with Annette Funicello? (Somebody must have wondered that, right?) I guess the difference is how much we know. Do we really need to see their text messages? Isn’t that just… creepy?

Here’s another thought. It’s all made up. Which would be creepier. That is, Adam Sevani (whoever the hell that is, and I could Google him but I refuse to do so on principle) or Montana Tucker, or someone on their “team” (a publicist, agent, napkin folder) fabricated this story, wrote a bunch of idiotic text messages, and then yakked about the whole thing. That would be a fake invasion of privacy.

The other difference is that now, adults are vaguely expected to know who these people are. Miley Cyrus wants to be taken seriously. I would imagine the other two dopes involved here want the same thing.

Please. Make it stop. Wait until you are at least 21 to be this annoying. And anyone intrigued by the text messages of teenagers that aren’t your own children? Keep it to yourself. You might get arrested like Pete Townshend.

Miley Cyrus? Montana Tucker? Adam Sevani? What? at The Insider.

Miley Cyrus Party In The U.S.A. Image via Amazon